We Need To Talk About Covid

Try not to take the title of this too seriously before you read the next sentence.

It’s okay to not want to talk about Covid.

According to the House of Commons Mental Health statistics, 1 in 6 adults  have experienced a ‘common mental disorder’ like depression or anxiety in the past week”. Due to the phrasing of this, it’s unclear whether this refers to those who have been diagnosed with depression or anxiety, or if it includes the people who have had a crap week as well. Regardless, the issue is prevalent. The hot thread of anxiety & depression has woven its way into society, and now a sixth of us have frayed edges as a result.

Now we get to a time like now; April 2020. Covid has infiltrated our countries and our homes, and panic is a daily occurence. During a time where we rely more than ever on the compassion and mutual trust of others, research shows that “people are notoriously unwilling to make sacrifices for others when the benefits are uncertain.” (2018, World Economic Forum) We have seen this happen multiple times, even if it is just on twitter trends, where countries close their borders, instate lockdowns, and legislation has been passed to fine people for leaving their homes. I found myself, among others, calling for the government to impose these restrictions, because I do not trust my fellow neighbours to stay indoors in order to save the lives of those I love – hell, even the people I don’t love.

With the news playing heartbreaking clips from overburdened hospitals and nurses pleading for help, I struggled to fathom the selfishness of the people who wouldn’t stay home. The WEF states that, “[w]hen uncertainty about human welfare is emphasized […] people strive to prevent the worst-case scenario.” (2018). This idea goes on to give some explanation of why it is so important that everyone knows how dangerous Covid 19 truly is. The more people who are ‘scared’ by this worst case scenario, (case and point: The USA estimated between 200,000 deaths vs 25,000), the national response comes together emphatically and resolutely, because when faced with those kinds of stats, the choice is obvious, right?

So in a time where research shows that we are powerless unless united, as individuals, the anxiety seems almost inescapable at this point.

At home, our lives rotate around the news channel. We follow the numbers rising and falling, today Captain Tom Moore has raised over £13 million for the NHS, meanwhile the American death toll nears 30,000 and a third of NHS staff have tested positive for coronavirus. At first, I thought I was okay with having the news channel on throughout the day. I had convinced myself that I was okay in this new lockdown routine. Waking up without an alarm, doing some yoga, maybe baking some treats and reading a book. I was confident I was on a path that would lead to some consistency and self-improvement. Now that I look back, I realise I was in, what I can only describe as the eye of my personal storm. Gradually, I started sleeping in later, drinking earlier and became unwilling to leave my bedroom. I would cry all day, even looking out my window into my neighbour’s garden made my soul ache for anything outside the four walls of my home. As someone who struggles from a personality disorder as well as your garden-variety depression and anxiety, I put my mood swing down to just that, a mood swing. It was only after I had two panic attacks in one day that I started to link my mental health decline with the overwhelming amount of Covid news I was trying to process on a daily basis. I was embarrassed when I realised this. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t even hear about the atrocities going on, while there are people out there confronting them head on. Heroic knights who are braving this dystopian-like nightmare, but, then again, knights are given suits of armour.

Talk about it

It took me a few days to unpack the reasons surrounding my guilt and anxiety. Some of them I left in their boxes, but hey, repression isn’t for everyone. A big part of it though, was coming to terms with the fact that everyone is struggling right now, and the coping mechanisms we once had might not help right now. My solution for a while was to keep to myself. I had a system, when I woke up (this could be between 10 and 2 depending on how well I was doing) I would listen to the news for about an hour with my mum and then I’d either go back to my room or engage in a distraction involving headphones. Throughout the day we’d have a multitude of podcasts and news channels play, and I didn’t listen to any of it. It got to a point where I was scared to hear the news. I began to spend more time in my bedroom, and less with my family. 

Until I got drunk that is. Truer to myself than ever before, on Sunday night’s virtual pub quiz, I found myself getting pissed with my parents and announcing in a decided slur at 11pm

“Oh by the way, listening to the news gives me anxiety at the moment and I was too embarrassed to admit it until now.”

Sure, it wasn’t as eloquent as I may have hoped, but things rarely are – for me anyway. The following day when I woke up the news wasn’t on, and my mum was listening to a podcast on her headphones. I realised I had asked for a news blackout in my house, leading to the worst case scenarios that already had been sown to fester into more frightening possibilities.

To pretend like I knew what i was doing was a lie, and coming to terms with the fact that I couldn’t ‘fix’ the anxiety I was feeling was overwhelming. I was torn between feeling obligated to stay aware and dealing with the emotional result, or plunging my head into the sand where I could pretend everything is fine for the next couple months. Of course, neither option was really a solution, rather than extreme ends of a spectrum.

Don’t let the chaos rule your routine

Clinical psychologist, Dr Steve Orma, tells us that routine is integral to treating anxiety/stress. As we see our cities and countries go into lockdown, our routine seems to dissipate and we find ourselves confronted with a new type of lifestyle overnight. Whether that’s down from missing iced coffees so much it becomes a daily meme on twitter, or not seeing your daughter in over 2 weeks despite her living in your basement because she’s self-quarantining. Everyone and their routine has taken a hit, and with that the anxiety seems almost inescapable, doesn’t it?

So I started to put a routine together, in the morning I do Duolingo for an hour with a cuppa. Then I check in with my friends and twitter. (Actually, according to my screentime summary, my use of Twitter is somewhat constant). I usually try to schedule a video call for every 2 or 3 days, even if it’s just to say hi to my friend’s dogs. I even do yoga everyday – something I never thought I’d find myself saying. And I found that watching some of my favourite childhood films helps me fall asleep at night. All of these small activities make the day seem a little less overwhelming. It’s then that I feel like I can listen to the news and be able to comprehend it without breaking down.

By exploring my limits, dedicating parts of my day specifically for news updates and being okay with saying “I cannot process this information right now, but that does not mean I won’t later on”, created boundaries for me that allowed me to continue a day to day life with some normality and comfort.

It’s okay to not be okay right now, just remember there’s always comfort in the little things.

Last updated: April 17, 2020